church and empire vs vulnerability

I'm preaching/presiding at a local congregation next week and the texts are rough.  They are the Romans passage where Paul goes on and on about doing what he doesn't want to do, and not doing what he wants to.  He says that nothing good dwells within him.  Then the gospel text is from Matthew where Jesus says that no one can know (God) except through the Son, and we who are burdened should come to him, for Jesus' yoke is easy and the burden is light.

Man.

I've been struggling with finding the right connection and gospel proclamation that isn't trite from this.  But I have an idea....

Jesus yoke is not the kind of burden less freedom that sends us trolloping through fields of wildflowers.  Following Jesus, taking up his yoke, is acknowledging we have a freedom from empire in Christ, and we are called to bear the burden of joining in justice seeking, peace making, servant leadership, empire resisting discipleship.

And this is HARD.

seriously.  Have you ever decided that you want to be an ethical consumer, shopping for organic local produce, and homemade community sourced soap only to realize that your old navy sweater was made by children and women in slavery in Indonesia?  "I do not do what I want to do, and and I do what I don't want to."

Or, that time you said I'm finally fully aware of my addiction to sugar, and I'm going to stop eating it at all - right after I finish the ice cream I bought this morning...  "I do what I hate, not what I want."

and joining in the community of christ which bears the yoke of justice communally, we are recognizing that our struggles won't be gone, yet they won't be as pertinent to our desire for bringing the kingdom here and now.

and that's how I  start a sermon...

Holy Trinity Devotion

James is serving his last night on our Church's council tonight, and asked me to write his devotion for him.  This is what I wrote:

This coming Sunday is Holy Trinity Sunday.  In the gospel Jesus sends his disciples forth to baptize in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. More than a doctrine, the Trinity expresses the heart of our faith: we have experienced the God of creation made known in Jesus Christ and with us always through the Holy Spirit. 

Sister Liz and I have a friend who is currently writing a story about the Trinity reimagined as a whole and perfect family.  God is the Father, Spirit is the Mother, and Jesus is the child.  In her imagining, she tells a story where throughout the Gospels, whenever Jesus goes off to pray, he is really reuniting with him mom and dad, to gather around a meal and have a conversation around discernment.  Our favorite part of this newly imagined story is around when Jesus is 12 and goes missing while hanging out in the Temple.  

Our friend writes that Mary, Joseph, and Jesus are journeying with a crowd of friends and family to Jerusalem.  Jesus is an older boy, and is so excited because during this trip, he will be allowed to sleep in the tent with all the other boys - not in the same old boring tent with his parents.  After all the campfire stories and jokes are spent, Jesus climbs into his blankets to get some rest.  But his dad, God the Father, sneaks in and silently draws Jesus outside.  They quietly walk about a mile away where mom the Spirit has laid out a lovely picnic of so many of Jesus' favorite foods.  And they all sit to eat.  While they are eating, God and Spirit tell Jesus all about the history of these people, and the plans that they have to adopt all of them into the holiest of families when them.  Jesus will get millions of brothers and sisters to enjoy!  They talked and shared and laughed and engaged all aspects of family life all night together. Just before the sun came up, Jesus was sent back into camp to tuck back under his blankets like the other boys.  While walking home, Jesus passed a group of Priests discussing Scripture on their way into town to the temple.  For the first time, Jesus really understood what they were talking about.  He was brimming with insight and information that he could share with them that he excitedly ran to walk with them and began telling them everything he knew.  They were so intrigued that they pulled him with them into the temple to share all day and all night.  Best thing to ever happen to a 12 year old boy, right?  And we all know the rest of the story - Mary and Joseph, his foster parents, left Jerusalem, thinking Jesus was still off galavanting with the other boys and noticed he was missing later the next day...

This imagining about the Trinity is really all we have.  Scripture doesn't define it for us, we are simply told that these three entities exist.  So my question for you tonight is this:  what aspects of the Trinitarian family would you like to spend more time engaging in your living and your prayers?  Do you want to notice the movements of the Spirit more in your listening?  Is it hard for you to embrace the playfulness or boldness of Jesus?  How would it feel to talk to God like you talk to your Mother?  or Father?  Think on that for a moment and I will end our devotion in prayer.

God of One and God of Three. Your Holy Trinity celebrates the wonder of relationship with you while leaving us distinctly dissatisfied with our limited understanding of what you are.  But we know that you have welcomed us into your holy family through the waters of baptism.  Grant us the grace to know that is enough, and the imagination to see the possibilities and truth of what that means.  In your Holy name, Amen.

Confession: sometimes I feel as though I deserve to be frustrated.

angry.

hurt.

confused.

I am a natural born sinner, and I know better than anyone my daily failings.  

I also know that the choices I make in this life I am living are never completely right or wrong. 

They are simply choices...

to make it through a day.

to care for someone in a different way.

to care for myself.

Choices made selfishly and greedily, and choices made because I am otherwise out of options.

I know very well that each and every one of the small hundreds of daily choices we make as humans effect us and those we love - not always either well or poorly, but in that same gray way that we don't always understand.  I can try my best to prepare myself for the reactions of others to my choices, but ultimately, I must stand by them knowing that I made them, and from that moment on my life is ultimately different.

But that is not part of my confession.  My children and my partner do not typically understand my choices.  I struggle to communicate clearly with all 3 of them what the needs of this family are and how difficult it is to be the only one who can see that choices aren't always right or wrong but varied in their shades of gray.  You know the ones - parenting, money, cleanliness, responsibility, time.  The choices made in any of those decisions are equivalent to Breaking Bad variations of gray.

Sometimes, the things I choose to benefit the family are misunderstood.  Sometimes they are just really poor choices.  Sometimes they are necessary.  Sometimes they are difficult, confusing, frustrating, or easy.  

So here I stand - confessing that I have made choices that aren't perfect, that don't always make sense, and that sometimes feel to others like I've chosen to be hurtful.   Sometimes knowingly, sometimes unbeknownst to me, always for the benefit of one or more of the four of us.

But then here is the Absolution:

I know what LOVE is.   I know that LOVE is with me, comforting me in my dismay of being misunderstood, consoling me in my anger when I'm not listened to, and compassionate when I make all manner of mistakes.  LOVE abides in me and offers herself to the family in and through and between all the choices we ALL make as a family.  LOVE is the glue that binds us together in a holy way.  LOVE is the solvent that removes the binding that anger, mistrust, frustration, and sorrow hold me in.  

LOVE wins. (even when it doesn't look like it.)

kindness

I have been busy.  Chaotic with less contentment for sure.  Though my internship sites are lovely and I'm truly enjoying every minute, I don't yet completely know how to juggle all the things I want to do.

I want to run races.

I want to make music.

I want to read more.

I want to enjoy the minutes while my kids are little.

I want to knit many lovely things.

I want to be more kind

and more present.

Most of all, I want to figure out how to do all these things without feeling guilty that I hadn't chosen differently in the moment.  I want to play with my kids, and not feel shame for not running.  I want to read a book and not feel guilty for having salad and PB&J's for dinner.  I want to experience freedom in enjoying my work and not criticize myself for being away from the family.  I want to love my partner and not look jealously at the 30 sweaters my knitting friends pump out every year.  

So my word for this year - my oneword365.com is kindness.  

I shall be kind to myself as I try to juggle and fail, when I can't put away the guilt I will smother it with self kindness.  Because while my life can be chaotic, I need to remember that I am blessed beyond compare, and that is enough to be content.  

I want to enjoy this year, and with great kindness (and a good calendar app), I believe I will.

vocation and formation

I have been deeply engaged in my internship(s) these last 2 months.  40 hours a week of (underpaid) ministry looks so much more like 60 hours a week, and while I enjoy most every minute of it, I have been reminded of late just how hard it is to be present to people and projects and family 60 hours a week.

At TLC, I get to teach a small cohort of a larger class of Freshman a course called "Vocation and Formation."  It is a class that provides mentorship and training for discernment, naming and telling your stories,  identifying ones call, holy listening, and how to ask self awakening questions of yourself and one another.  Basically, it's the coolest internship ever.  

 Last weekend, all 7 cohorts of the class gathered together for a retreat at Camp Lutherwood.  It was a holy time of formation, laughter, discernment, stories, and fun.  I was gifted the chance to plan and lead the closing ritual worship for the retreat.  We wandered through a 3 part ritual starting with listening/hearing your call, moving to claiming your call, and ending with serving as called.

It was my first time as a Sister guiding a community through a hand washing ritual.  I expected with 2 stations and 40 or so college students, we would buzz through the process rather swiftly - maybe 2 songs.  I was wrong.  It took 8 songs.  These students relished the chance to serve one another in this intimate, gentle, deliberate way.  The experience of looking one another in the eyes, pouring warm water over and through the fingers of another, drying them deliberately with a towel was almost too genuine to watch.  It was a deeply sacramental experience.

And I was challenged at this retreat to remember that I, too, as an intern, am to be experiencing a season of Vocation and Formation.  While I accompany these college students on their journey, they are also accompanying me on mine.  I am blessed by supervisors who get who I am and how I am called, and encourage me to be fully that.  As much as I can and should be using this space to dream and vision what I could do with and in my call, I also need to develop a discipline of presence and calm discernment. So now, 2 months in, I am challenged to be engaged in daily relationships, as well as building on the future, walking my kids to school without my iPhone email inbox in front of my face, and remembering the challenges associated with saying yes and the grace that comes from saying no.  

Many thanks to Sister Krista, Pr. Erik Samuelson, Ryan Marsh, and many others walking alongside me as I define my self, my vocation, my dreams, and God's vision for the kingdom of God.

Summer of Instagram

Summer has been a bit chaotic.


We started H in swim lessons. She's a little fish- loves it.


S is even more photogenic then his sister. My Instagram feed is full of this little charmer.


My internships are shaping up for the fall.


James has been working like crazy. A whirlwind summer for him. He gets to go visit his dad and work on the Tahoe cabin later this month. He deserves the break. Love that man.


Lots of Starbucks dates with my sweeties.


Braids for days ( and nights and overnights...).


This one does nothing the "normal" way. He perches on the arm of the sofa.


And loves cheering for his sisters swim lessons.


Cute boy in mamas shades.


I feel overwhelmed by the needs and whines of the kids but going through Instagram shows me they are pretty rad kids. Nice treat :)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

long time, no blog...

I'm tired.  In both the good and bad ways.  I am 2 weeks away from graduating from Seminary.  I don't have any major papers or assignments to get done, just 2 more small 1-2 pagers, and a few 1/2 page feedback forms.  Not too bad.  I might pick up one of my post-graduation books early.

I'm tired because this little Tasmanian Devil is so.darn.fast.  and swiftly approaching 2 years old.  TWO.YEARS.OLD. I tell you.  He's fast, likes climbing, knows what he wants (yea, THAT!) and what he doesn't (NOooooooooooOOOooo!).  

But he's generally gentle, loving, a good listener, a kind friend, and a highly motivated learner.  

This one also can't get enough learning.  I swear, half of all my energy is spent trying to answer her 1,000 questions a day.  All good, insightful, deeply thoughtful and articulate questions, many of which are highly theological, but I don't always know how  to answer without stumping her or myself.  

These kids exhaust me.  

but in wonderful ways.

 And I know that these are the days that memories are made of, and my children will have wonderful memories, even if I am too tired to notice them in the midst of it all.

 But that is not the only reason I am exhausted.  I allow my body to fill up with anxiety when I am faced with unknowns.

 And I have many post-graduation unknowns to sort out.

 It's hard to feel tired and trust in the promises of God that offers to me.  I think the fact that I am an I on the Myers-Briggs has become more and more clear to me as I sort out my call to professional ministry.

 However, I am not afraid.  And I can get past the tired, if I can find a way to release the anxiety I place on myself.  These kids certainly help to put it in the back seat, at the very least.

Perhaps I will allow myself to enjoy these last few weeks before H is done with school for the summer, and learn to embrace the liminal state of my post-graduation, pre-internship, living.  Pray that it will be so, dear friends. 

 pray that it be so.

amen.