one word for the year

As I begin 2013 along with the rest of the world, I am beginning to realize that there is so much more to ME than what I do, whom I love, how I communicate, and what I believe.  I have struggled the last 3 months of 2012 in trying to find my uniqueness and care for my soul as I live in my world of many titles - mom, wife, graduate student, daughter, sister, pastoral intern, parishioner, friend, advocate, etc.  It is hard, in the midst of those multiplying identities to remember who I AM and what it is that I FEEL, I NEED, and I DESIRE or yearn for.  Even more difficult is attempting to be a person of substance in ministry that cares for the other with so much "love" that there is no "love" remaining to keep myself true to ME.

That is why, when Sarah Bessey shared about her unique New Years Resolution to chose one word that sums up what you see yourself being in a given year, I was intrigued.  To learn more about this one word project, you can check it out in depth at oneword365.com.

So perhaps, if you are still reading, you might be thinking what my word might be.  I have spent a good long time contemplating and running through possibilities in my mind.  Some I considered were
present
content
thankful
grateful
genuine
fearless
brave
bold
enough

but the one that was right in front of my face, plain as day, that I was totally missing was the one.  And once I noticed it, it could not be more clear.  My One Word for 2013 is
  authentic

This year I will find my own truth and be honest about it with myself and others.  I will say yes to what I desire, and to that which nurtures my body and soul, and no to those things that I feel compelled to do by others.  I will not hide in the shadows of fearing being misunderstood and will speak my truth in LOVE.  I will not ache when what motivates me does not motivate others, and I will not regret that which motivates others not motivating me.  I will trust myself, listen to myself, care for myself, nourish myself, and expect the best of myself without punishing myself.  This is the year where I have a chance to really find myself and learn how to claim her individuality in a way that is peaceful, loving, honest, and true.  This year, I choose to be authentic.

One Word for 2013

oneword365.com is a website that supports a community of people who have made a commitment to strive towards a goal of being, not doing.  Instead of resolutions, you choose one word that sums up who you want to be or how you want to live.  One word that you can focus on every day, all year long.  With intention and commitment, your word can shape your year and your self.

Choosing a word is difficult, because it's easy to read other's words and try to claim them as your own.  Or words can become grand or mundane, or challenge you to a halt or become meaningless.  I think I have chosen the right word for me, but I intend to spend the rest of today mulling it over and I'll tell you all in the morning ;-)

think about joining me on this, okay?
liz

prayers for this day and other days

if you haven't read through this book yet, I urge you to pick one up.  I have had my copy for about 7 years, and I am always finding lovely things in between its pages.

here is a portion of one prayer that I have been praying for a relationship I am currently in.

Help Me to Believe in Beginnings

God of history and of my heart,
so much has happened to me during these whirlwind days:
    I've known death and birth;
    I've been brave and scared;
    I've hurt, I've helped;
    I've been honest, I've lied;
    I've destroyed, I've created;
    I've been with people, I've been lonely;
    I've been loyal, I've betrayed;
    I've decided, I've waffled;
    I've laughed and I've cried.
You know my frail heart and my frayed history -
and now another day begins.

O God, help me to believe in beginnings
and in my beginning again,
no matter how often I've failed before.

Amen.

playing with an image of g-d

I am working on drawing this image up, but here is the verbiage that has spilled from my head this afternoon...

feminine being with earthen eyes
holding a table of the world out from her chest with arms waving excess underneath and bulging biceps
standing up with the strain
with one eye she watches
as her people and her creations wander about with their (our) intentions
and joys and energies varied
move about the earth-table with hollowed bellies, wide open holes like windows to what lies beyond them

some - many - few people kneel down at the feminine breasts
that lay across the table leaking sustenance from her body,
the excess dreamily dripping from their lips
while others slurp fast and move on
and from others the milk spills back out from their hollow centers and trails behind them
and some moan and wail as their tears join the flowing milk in sadness or joy as it flows to the edges of the table-earth

some - many - few people kneel down on the earth-table, and fondle the dirt
with expressions of peace or agony or indifference strewn about their faces and pieces of dirt fall
off the edge of the world
near the feet of the mother who

watches us with one eye

while the other tends to
a pot
of gurgling mud
made up from table-world spilled dirt
which spews steam and smoke swirls up
over the table-world,
circling up and around the hollow centers of the creations wandering across this table-earth
 and filling them
 fueling them
reminding and encouraging them
this, the dirt of decomposed and re-purposed prayers minded by the mother, tended to with a watchful eye, and touched from the lives of those drinking from the streams of her breasts.

Deaconess Assembly

Shepherd and I are in Pittsburgh, PA for the ELCA Deaconess Assembly this week.  Today was the day that all the Sister's arrived and, as a candidate, (Shep &) I ushered them to their rooms and got a chance to chat with many of them on the short walk.  I have to say, I expected a diverse bunch, and these women do not disappoint.  Many were very loving of Shepherd, asking to be called 'Auntie.'  Many were kind in introducing themselves.  Many were ambivalent about us, seeming only to care about their fellow Sisters.  A few actually told me they would not remember my name until I was invested and given the title Sister.  And only 2 (so far, to be fair) have asked me where I feel called to ministry.  I will likely disregard this as something to be attributed to the annual-ness this community gathers, and therefore the rarity so many of these women - many of whom spent time living together in community - get to see one another.  That, and it is the first day.  But some of it puts me off.  I have a few sisters that, sadly already, I have written off as women who will not ever care about what I care about - even though I don't know the first thing about them beyond their names.  Tomorrow the community will begin the process of calling and voting on a new Directing Deaconess.  As a candidate, I am highly encouraged to participate in the discussions and meetings about this, however I am not allowed to vote.  Makes sense.  However, how much would my spoken opinion matter if something needed to be said?  Like I said, I don't know 3/4 of these women from the women I see at the Woodinville Target on a given day, do they care about my opinion or what it represents? Will my voice be one of a young mother who feels a call to prophetic diakonia in a post-religious world in the  Pacific-Northwest, or a girl candidate who doesn't know the community's unspoken rules yet?  I don't know, but I hope that I can be humble enough to be listening for the Lord's stillness and nudges as I enter these discussions.
sigh.  (that was a good one, for the most part)

New things are happening in our home

First, we got a dog.
Second, our girl began Kindergarten - and not just kinder, but full-day kinder.  Plus, she rides the bus.  Plus it's Mon-Fri.  Plus a million other things....
Third, our baby is hardly a babe any more - for Shepherd turned one, and took some precautionary first steps this weekend.
Fourth, Shepherd also began going to daycare this week, because....
Fifth, I start my internship in another week, and classes again this week.
Sixth, I joined the local Stroller Strides group and my arms and abs and thighs and ass and hate/love me for it.
I have many things I'm intending to do with some of this flex-time while both kids are with other adults and I'm not studying, but today on this first day with no kids and no homework, I went to target all by myself and tried on pants.  Yup.  firsts.
:)

today I reach a milestone

Today, my spouse and I celebrate 10 years of marriage.  I am completely honored to have such a fantastic life partner who challenges me, inspires me, comforts me, and believes in me.  We are as different from one another as we are alike.  We compliment one another as often as we frustrate.  But in these past 10 years of marriage, I would not exchange any of the hard or good times for something different.

This first chapter of our marriage has included major things.  Buying and selling and buying homes.  Multiple moves.  Multiple jobs. Medical surprises.  Babies. College.  More college.  Graduate school.  And building a successful business.   I'm hoping that this next chapter of 10 years includes things like getting into the groove of a career for me, finding that perfect fit for James to teach others about ethics and rights, teaching our growing kids how to be peacemakers and justice seekers in their communities, and continuing to find ways to live out the things we believe in our home, family, and community.  I believe that the first chapter was the hardest - many major challenges and changes happen in a family during those younger years.  Here's to hoping the next chapter can be settling and defining of how we live our relationship out in and for the world.

Happy Anniversary!