changes big and filling

As many of you know, I am in grad school.  seminary, to be exact.  And I have a strongly discerned and confirmed call to be a sexual theologian through writing and teaching and story-sharing.  I had determined 3 years ago when I began seminary, that the way through which I would create such a unique career would be as a psychotherapist specializing in sexuality.  however, this quarter, something changed.

I have recognized that the clinical pieces of psychotherapy don't only disinterest me, but they drain me of energy.  Learning the diagnostic categories for "disorders," used to sound super intriguing, but now that I'm doing just that, it feels like labeling and hyper-focused listening that easily neglects the story of the client as a whole person made in God's image. I have, also, been mourning the loss of the theology and spirituality classes I was taking before my program intensified into the clinical.  I have been longing for Olivier Clement and Bonhoeffer.  William Countryman and Maya Rivera.  As I looked at the remaining 2 years + a quarter of school, I would not be able to take even one more theology class, and I suddenly felt empty, bored, unfulfilled, scared, and upset that I may have misled myself.  Though mental health psychotherapists and extreemly valuable members in society, I no longer feel lead to be one.

well, crap.  Does that mean $42k in student loans is down the drain?!? this is what I assumed my partner would say when I mentioned my thoughts shifting.

not at all! Because here's the grace! I chose to learn psychotherapy in a seminary.  As a candidate for ministry in the ELCA who has strong community support from her congregation, her family, and the sisterhood of the ELCA Deaconess Community, I know I am still called, if not more strongly than ever, to be a sexual theologian.   And now that I have been in my seminary community, I have found a way to make that call fit me so much better!

and that is something I am having a meeting about this morning with my adviser.  Is it feasible to change at this point? Practically, are the classes I would need available on my timeline, and some more questions.  The change in direction is slight.  My previous courses would not have been taken in vain, for they are required for both.  By noon I will be confirmed & registered for a new course of action preparing me as a spiritual director :)

lent/thinking

Lent is one of my favorite times in the church year. Yeah, I know it's a little strange.  It appears to be this dark, contemplative time in the last weeks of winter, to give up chocolate. Or coffee. But, I like lent because it's a time set apart for renewal.  And  a time to participate in my congregational community a bit more deeply with soup suppers and simple mid-week services.  Lent gives me the chance to remember my blessings and simplify my life.  Lent gives me a chance to breathe just when things get crazy and reminds me that I am loved regardless of how much I accomplish.

This week has been full of reminders that things that are NOT going to be simple in the coming months.  Grad school internship interviews, CPE applications for the summer, kindergarten registration & introducing solid foods, and discussions about how much is enough to offer our dream nanny for the crazy summer/fall schedule changes.  My life feels so far from simple these days I could cry. And I have.

But here comes lent. Right at the time I crave it most. Right before I start taking my anxiety out on my family and friends, I am reminded that there is one with me who wants to lighten my load.  One who cares and will not judge my imperfections.  One who actively participates in my suffering, anxiousness, joy, and fear, and who is witnessed to me in my community.  Even when I am unwilling to notice.

My lenten discipline this year will be to pray the psalms.  I am not a pray-er.  I mean, personally.  When asked to pray in public, I can roll out stuff of gold thanks to all of my theological education, but personally, I struggle with the ideas of results from prayer.  Last year around this time I spent 2 weeks with members of the ELCA Deaconess Community and a brother who was there taught me that the psalms are the prayers of all Gods people across the world and time.  AND, even if a psalm doesnt resonate with me as I pray it, I am joining in prayer with Christ for someone who needs that prayed.  Just like, in my prayerlessness, Christ shouts and sings and raises psalm prayers for my wordlessness.

And I do hope to have a personal benefit from this discipline.  I hope to work on hearing every persons story as uniquely theirs and not judge them based on my experience.  And I hope to find a place of refuge from the anger I inherit from injustices - small and large.  For I feel so skeptical of everything and everyone so much of the time that I fear I push people away from myself without knowing it.  May the Psalms of lent be my solace.

5 months old + some musings

 I've been taking pictures of Shepherd in front of this ikea duvet cover each month.  Here's 5 :) I cannot believe it.  Neither can James.  It's going so fast, we almost have newborn-fever again.  But not really.

 Even though the groundhog predicted 6 more weeks of winter, our front yard would beg to differ.  We have gone on walks, had picnic lunches, and generally frolicked in the spring-shining-sun way more than usual this February.

 Shepherd tried sweet potatoes.  He liked them. Can you tell? He kind of looks like he's gone crazy for them in this photo.  like, really crazy.... heehee.... {gulp!}

 Hazel has the most interesting hair. it's more unique the more you look at it. one of our neighbors once asked if it was grey & i said yes because it certainly can look that way at times.  it has the texture of straightened curls, is so thick we have to get it regularly thinned but it wont hold a clip/pin in place.  this picture is lovely though, isnt it?

 they love one another. when we pick Haze up from school, she snuggles Shep in the hall immediately - blocking all  the foot traffic, and he just grins ear to ear and gives a resounding belly laugh.

and she loves being outside. even when it's cold and raining, shes playing quietly in her own magical land.  She has "pretend kids."  3-5 depending on the day, named Diego, Alecia, Lucia, Martino, & baby Wella. they keep her company.

Today, we took a walk around the block in this marvelous sunshine.  A stay at home dad came out and joined us with his baby boy who is just days older than Shepherd.  As the babies cooed together and Hazel ran around collecting pinecones, the dad told me there are about 5 babies born on our neighborhood block within 3 months of our boys - 4 of which are also boys.  The others have been talking about starting a community group and he was sent to invite us.  If it all shapes up, Shep will have some fun friends to go to school with.  And get this, these boys all have cool names!  Shepherd, Frances, and Royal are a few.... wow!

Hazel has been asking for a pet.  Isn't this little hedgehog to DIE FOR!?! I would name him Henry or her Ingrid...
wishing your days are as bright as ours have been :)

let sleeping babes lie

 Hazel fights quiet/nap time these days.  but it's fairly typical that, if I turn on old episodes of Felicity, she'll lie down on the living room floor to watch Ben (her favorite character - and likely first crush) and conk out.   Today, this is what she looked like - I love her so much when she naps ;-)

Shepherd fell asleep in the middle of the living room this afternoon, too.  And it looks as though he's found his own self-soothers.  When I was a kiddo, I sucked my 2 fingers, also.  Cutie.

 Still not a ton of baby chunk on these legs, but they're filling out nice and squishy-like.  And my-o-my the grin's and giggles we get when we squeeze them :)

Our old trusty point and shoot croaked a few weeks back, but the pawn shop sold us a mighty-fine DSLR - a Nikon D40 to be exact, and I'm LOVING it.  hope y'all like pictures ;-)

4 months old
Shepherd is actually getting closer to 5 months old, but this picture was too cute to keep to ourselves :)  the 5 month photo may be better since this was one of the last few pictures our 5 year old canon point and shoot took before it retired (ie croaked).  We replaced it with a Nikon D40 (from the pawn shop - way less $$ and free manual's online.  Don't underestimate the pawn shop, people!) and while I am floundering around the thing, it already takes MARVELOUS pictures regardless of how inept the photographer currently is!
off to play with it...
liz

Crafting on a snow day

With crockpot hot cocoa by my side, & a baby on my back/at my feet/always near, my machine (who desperately needs a name!) & I did some making today! Here are some pictures...

to find peace

As many of you likely know, I am born from the ELCA religious tradition (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America).  While a young child, both of my parents worked for the church in some fashion - my mom has been a Lutheran Youth Encounter employee, a parish administrator, and is currently a litugrical consultant for a seminary and a Diaconal Minister.  My dad worked for 25 years for the ELCA's major publishing house, and was/is well known by likely any Lutheran pastor or lay leader in the greater Pacific Northwest.  My family also participated in founding a community theater group that, in my youth, was the 'creative outlet' for numerous pastors and pastors families.  I was raised among pastors, and since I believe in the community raising me I can also say I was raised by pastors.

I write this because I learned young that pastors and congregations don't always get along.  That there is a very traditional and respected '7-year itch' among church leadership.  This means that once you have been in a congregation long enough to feel like you belong there and your voice is valuable, you can also begin to feel defeated - like nothing is going to change, no one listens to you, and you remaining a part of this community doesn't benefit anyone.  So leadership scratches the itch, or sometimes the congregation scratches it for them, and pastors or whatever kind of leader one may be, put out for a call elsewhere.

I am in seminary. And, knowing what I have mentioned above, I do NOT want to work inside a congregation.  I never have.  I remember doing all those occupational surveys and talent charts in middle and high school that tell you what you would best enjoy doing as a career, and they always - ALWAYS - put clergy on the top of the list for me.  And I always - ALWAYS - said, no.way.jose'.  uh-uh, not me.  I do NOT want to feel the firsthand frustration of congregational leadership. And so, though I am in seminary, I am not seeking pastoral ordination, rather I am in the process of  becoming a Deaconess - a sister who works for the church in the world, and brings the world to the church.

However, with candidacy - the ELCA's process of discernment and education to be a rostered (read 'paid and insured') leader, comes participating in ones congregation as a leader. Therefore, I sit on two committees at church and sit in on a third.  I have enjoyed this, and the people I meet there, but recently I have had some struggles with how my congregation uses language.  Particularly how we use the term 'inclusive' and if what we mean and what we imply by that term are the same.  I am becoming a crazy lady on her soapbox.  Everywhere I go, I can't help but to share my 2 cents on what it means to me and what it should mean to the congregation.  I claim my right to share these feelings because I am a leader - I sit on committees and I am being theologically trained to share said feelings.  My feelings are STRONG.  I should also mention here that I am a redhead - and likely take my opinions too seriously at times, but I walk around thinking like my opinions are the ones that should matter.

 I know about the prophets and how they were/are/can be people who look and sound like crazies standing on soapboxes for justice, inclusiveness, change.  I also know that the likelihood of people recognizing the truths spoken by a prophet are few and far between until the prophet is no longer preaching.  So sometimes I feel like shaking the dust from my feet and continuing to bark up my tree until I die.  And recently, I have caught myself becoming so frustrated with my congregation that I have seriously contemplated leaving. I mean, did I mention I'm a redheaded oldest child, too?  That I take myself (too) seriously?

what the fuck is that about?

who the crap am I to declare my own prophetic status?!  Why should I believe that my opinions and ideas for change should be or value and people should move at my pace for change?  Remember, I did not want to be a pastor.  I did not want to be involved in the politics of a working congregational community.  Remember, Liz? remember?

I write this posting more for myself than for you, dear readers.  I write this to remind myself to what I feel called.  I feel called to be a member of the community of faith I participate in, and to call others to active participation - not scare them away from wanting to participate with me. That line is fine, yes.  to be a participant in community means making your opinions known, and challenging others.  I know I am called by God to challenge, question, advocate, and teach.  But the way I go about doing that is difficult to decipher.  What I feel called to challenge is valid.  Necessary.  Needs to be said and heard.  So how do I do it well? effectively? peacefully?

How do I participate in community with what I have to offer and still find peace with said community when they don't accept what I have to offer?  How do I humble my red-headed, oldest child, theologically educated self to find the peace? And now give up in my opinions or my church?

I like what I read here about the terms repent, and repentance by Nadia Bolz-Weber.  It's helping me this afternoon.

Any suggestions? I promise I'll listen with both ears ;)
liz